Friday, July 28, 2017

In which the pond goes searching for Kenny potential in the cawing Crowe and the Oz editorialist, and ends up in the Mooch circus ...


Point of order m'lud. While the pond deeply appreciates the poodle's attempt to introduce North Korea and Godwin's Law into the conversation, as everyone knows the real comedy heat is going down in the United States ...

The Mooch has been a stunning coup, and made poor old Spicey seem like a good riddance warm-up act. The only downside? That bloody song the pond has always disliked keeps running through the pond's head, and the thunder and the lightning is very, very frightening ...

There's nothing for the pond in that fertile ground. The best professionals are to hand and every night a parade of stand-up comedy and cable news delights and entertains the pond. Sure the United States and the world is going to hell by way of handcart and the Donald, but what fun getting there ...

For those outside the US showbiz loop, recent Variety front page stories might have zipped off into the ether, but the pond honours Stephen Colbert's 'Russia Week' Lifts 'Late Show' to Biggest Weekly Win Ever ... well with a mad Russian axe-throwing billionaire oligarch, a crazy late night show talk host, a visit to the pee pee bed, and sundry street performances, how could it go wrong?

And that was followed by the news this day in Variety Donald Trump Animated Series from Stephen Colbert Headed to Showtime ...



But the pond had to ankle this fun ... the competition's too strong.

Now the reptiles of Oz did attempt a few high comedy routines, of the standard Xian kind ...



And they had the arm-breaker to hand in case a few Eastern suburbs or Mosman arms needed breaking ...


But perversely the pond decided to look at the way a few low rent spoilsports at the lizard Oz are obsessed with Comrade Bill and him being Jeremy lite ...

Sure it would be funnier to get poked in the eye with a sharp Donald stick, but the pond freely acknowledges that it doesn't spend nearly enough time with the cawing Crowe ...

Attention should be paid ... who knows, one day, instead of stoning the Crowe, the pond might be celebrating the way he became a serious contender for a Kenny ...

This day he made a good start by briefly being at the top of the digital opinion page, with old favourites like the bromancer and the dog botherer nowhere to be seen ...


Won't someone think of the children, the pond could hear Helen Lovejoy cry ...


Did someone mention Tamworth?


Oh lost wasted days of youth. That produce store became a tyre store, with the smell coating the Jaffas in the darkened theatre, and the miracle is that the pond grew up a leather fetishist rather than a rubber lover ...

But hang on, how did the pond get there?

Well to tell you the truth, the pond quite drifted off. The cawing Crowe has got a long way to go to score a Kenny, and the reptiles are on the back foot, what with the guv'nor having gone feral ...


Strewth, a bloody socialist commie Jeremy-lover in charge of the big bank? Why he would have been drummed out of Tamworth in a barrel of finest Barners' lard ...

Human Services Minister Alan Tudge also joined the argument last week when, in a speech, he refused to increase the value of welfare payments. He said government should target the “pathways to poverty” rather than trying to solve “modern poverty” by giving more money to the unemployed. 
It is cold comfort for Australians who are out of work, struggling to get pay rises and secure jobs, eking out an existence on poverty-level welfare, and trying to keep pace with house prices and power bills. 
The anger at Mr Morrison and Mr Tudge rivalled the moment Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce dismissed the housing affordability crisis as “bullsh*t”. Social media and online comments sections have branded them “arrogant” or worse. (New Daily, here).

Point of order m'lud, the pond knows how to spell bullshit, and it knows how to pivot to another serve of the cawing Crowe ... as he proves that paranoia is now the state of mind at the lizard Oz ...



Say what? All the work of the lizard Oz undone? All the Kennys competed for, and hard won, and yet boardsurfing Comrade Bill is riding the wave of reality and actual inequality to the election?

How unfair is that?

Who'd have guessed it?

Well certainly not the Oz editorialist, in a desperate rearguard action this day...



Like the cawing Crowe, the pond never pays enough attention to the real heart of the darkness ...



Yes, the reptiles have got the Corbyn fear ... and Comrade Bill is looming ... and only the French clock lover is on hand to save them.

The paranoia's now palpable, and infests the broadsheet like leeches in the Peel river, and about the only interesting thing to take away from these two efforts is the way they can sense all their valiant work and Kenny awards have been in vain ...

It's a shame really, and after all the good work their American cousins at Fox did for the cause of comedy, as celebrated by Rowe, with more Rowe here ...



And now for those who want to get back to the real circus, check out the Mooch in The New Yorker's Anthony Scaramucci called me to unload about White House Leakers. Reince Preibus, and Steve Bannon, and for those who missed it, here's Colbert's first Mooch impression ... with other Colbert easy to find here.



In which the pond shares maple syrup with a dual Canuck, and detects a fiendish foreign influence at work in Australia, thanks to sharp-eyed Sharri ...


Friday and the reptiles are in a bloodline frenzy and the pond still isn't certain of the Kenny prize rules, though it knows that the Kenny rulez ...

Is Friday the cut-off for the weekly award? It seems likely, because the best of the reptile contenders have abandoned the field of play this day, and the lesser reptiles worry and gnaw away at the news that pesky furriners might have penetrated to the heart of government ... 

Such is the fuss that the reptiles of Oz were dominating the google dual citizenship logarithm ...


The digital front page also featured the fuss at the top of the page ...


It all seemed so clear  not so long ago, when those silly inept greenies were the only victims. 

But when the best and bravest begin to wobble, and there's talk of heels with Achilles' heels, oh what to do, what to do?

Well why not wheel out a crazed Canuck, a familiar Quadrant voice, a Spectator fave ...


Well a Canuck would say that, wouldn't he, though the pond thinks the situation is now so serious and alarming that the reptiles of Oz should check the passports of anyone proposing to write a column for them, lest they unwittingly publish something unAustralian ...


Now it's true that Canada seems incredibly lax when it comes to dual citizens in parliament but if we were to follow them on this, what next? 

Moose in the street, funnily dressed plods on horses, maple syrup scattered on spinach, an addiction to poutine and nanaimo bars and smoked salmon and butter tarts, and worst of all, a devotion to ice hockey ... 

At this point the pond realised it shouldn't listen to a Canuck, no matter the pleasure it gave in ethnic caricature, stereotyping and simplistic reductionism ...

For that sort of work, the Terror supplies simplistic simpleton Sharri on a Friday ...


Yes, the Terrorists were also agitated about the fuss, all the more so as one of the world's top climate scientists was at the centre of the fuss ...


Sharri wasn't going to listen to any crazy Canuck ...


Oh okay, it's a well-known Friday pond ritual for the discerning elderly gentleman reader, though really, the Terrorists have been getting more and more modest in their Sharri splashes, which forces the pond to look back to the good old days when Sharri knew how to sell a story ...


Now the pond realises that this unseemly detour has entirely interrupted the thought flow of the visiting Canuck, even if that might be simplistically summarised as "Canadians and maple syrup are as Australian as the next ice hockey player" ...


Hmm, that seems far too tolerant and generous a position, not at all Speccie, and so the pond must turn back to sharpish Sharri for a final opinion ...


You see, with diligent application and a studious manner, it's possible to move from a consideration of 44 to discovering treacherous, treasonous foreign, possibly commie or Islamic swine under the bed ...

See how it's done ...


Now the pond has no idea how that thought bubble popped out of the ether ...

Besides, numerous candidates in the 1990s couldn't run for office because they held dual citizenship.

WTF? What on earth does that have to do with anything? They couldn't run in the 1970s and the 1980s either ...

But actually, it's a cunning, artful way of showing how to introduce complete irrelevancies into the conversation ...

First a minor non sequitur and then it's on to a bit of bush track bashing on the road to hell or complete inconsequentiality ... and with it, the ultimate discovery - fiendish, devious foreign agents of influence under the bed - can be produced with a Sharri flourish ...


Oh sorry, the pond didn't mean to imply with that into to the snap of Canavan that the Canavan caravan was a fiendish, devious agent of foreign influence ... 

But heck, isn't it a good way to move from talk of 44 to talk of furriners under the bed, and spies and ASIO and agents of influence and Commies ...


Now around this point some innocent stray reader unused to the simplistic simpleton ways of Sharri might wonder how we've ended up here. 

But the pond knows for a fact that there might be as many as 10,000 Murdochian agents or spies in Australia, employed by a foreigner to create havoc and chaos in the body politic, though the number is impossible to verify ...


Ah, there we go, it was a long journey, but look at those shifty suspects, those agents of foreign influence.

44 + Bob Carr + snappy Sam = the Sharri bleeding paranoid obvious.

Now the pond realises that as far as the average Kenny award prize winner goes, this is a feeble effort, and there are many better jokes doing the rounds ...


But the pond thinks it's a pivot worthy of Silicon Valley, and still the pivot went on, with 44 barely remembered, and the Chinese firmly under the bed, and if the Chinese are there, can the Palestinians be far behind?


Now it's likely even Sharri sensed that she'd rambled far out into right field, and somehow needed to try to tie together the strands of incoherent thought into a fittingly paranoid whole which somehow managed to drag 44 back from the fringes of the paranoia into the heart of it ...


Oh indeed, indeed ... out, out damned spot and foreign influencers breaching the Australian political process ...


And luckily in the hunt for foreign influencers breaching the Australian political process, the always helpful Pope came up with another suggestion, with more papal insights here ...


And here's a stray Leunig ...



Thursday, July 27, 2017

In which the pond finds Jesus in a slice of toast rather than a Queensland school yard, and trots over hill and Dale to help save the Canavan caravan...


(and more Rowe here).

With the savvy Savva gone the pond knows not where, emergency measures had to be deployed at the pond this day ...

At first the pond thought it should follow up on that story of Jesus being banned from Queensland school yards. 

Surely even in these post-ironic days, the news of the second coming would be a minor sensation on the full to overflowing intertubes, even if pigeon post might deliver the story more quickly than Malware's copper network ...


Jesus turned away at the Queensland school gate? What a shock, what a sensation.

Sorry, what a disappointment. The pond will have to keep checking its toast for Jesus sightings ...


The urbane Urban did her best to lather up a frothing and an indignant foaming ...


Now if the pond was suddenly transported back in time to become a school student again, and a student kept blathering on about Jesus to the pond, would the pond be punished for giving the god botherer a swift kick to the crutch?

If the pond were to be sent home with a gold star in theological discourse, why then all would be well, and evangelical students should feel free to keep evangelising ...

Hand the pond an Xmas card? Feel free... provided the pond can shove it down your irritating throat. Want to hand the pond a beaded bracelet, knowing the pond has a particular thing about beaded hippie bracelets at the best of times? (Now if we were talking a solid gold bracelet).

Feel free, if you don't mind a beaded bracelet shoved where the sun doesn't shine.

What's that you say. The pond's being expelled, while the god botherer sails on, tediously righteous and saving souls?

So it goes, as Kurt and the Ellis were wont to say, but this pleasant fantasy wasn't enough for the pond this day, and so reluctantly, the pond turned to the Terror, knowing that this was Bolter day ...

Even with the prospect of a Kenny award, the pond refuses to do the Bolter dance ... especially when it's the Bolter being more bleeding obvious than usual ...


Hang on a mo.

Now there's a lucky break. No, not the usual blather about gender and the Bolter, but the return of Helen Dale ...

Earlier this day the pond celebrated the way rigorous certainty on the part of Polonius and the Bolter and other reptiles...



... had given way to saucy doubts and fears ... and revisions of decisions ...


The Terror's contribution to the revisions and indecisions was to exhume Helen Dale from the land of nom de plumes and get her to tackle the task ...


Hang on, hang on, she's already written off the passing caravan of Canavan?



Um, a moral mission means that the law doesn't apply to them? A politician might safely ignore the constitution? And a nom de plume is a surefire way for a novelist to proceed?

And it's all incredibly subtle, tricky and nuanced, and the dog really did eat Canavan's mother's homework?


The pond is likely to sound like a spoil sport if it notes that section 44 isn't going to change any time soon.

The chance of politicians pushing an amendment to the constitution in this matter is remote, and likely not to succeed, given the way that the right and the Liberal party have spent considerable time and energy this past decade demonising pesky furriners landing in the country and ruining it ...

Rather than listen to this blather, it might pay for people planning on a political career to tend to the matter of citizenship status. It isn't hard, it isn't tricky, it isn't difficult, at least compared to a trip to the High Court with Canavan ...

But it is interesting to note the way that everything that seemed so clear cut with the foolish greenies, now is full of deep uncertainty, with no one knowing where they stand, and no one knowing where those who don't know where they stand are standing ...

It's particularly cunning of Dale to introduce pesky, difficult Jews into the discussion ...why next thing, those damned Islamics and their desire to belong to the reborn Caliphate will bring down the whole house of cards ...


So that's the best the reptiles can come up with to help Canavan in his plight?

It's all about persecuting One Nation and minor parties? As opposed to noting the law of the land and conforming to it?

If this is the best the reptiles can come up with, Canavan might be doomed after all ...

Meanwhile, the pond can foresee another content crisis. 

With Triggs gone, what on earth will the reptiles do?

The lizards of Oz killed entire forests in their war with Triggs. They built a death star to take out not just her but the HRC.

And now she's gone.

Will they keep fighting her, as the Donald keeps re-fighting his election win, painting the map red for Scouts and demonising Clinton?

Here's hoping that Triggs has a secret plan to keep the feuding and the fighting going, as hinted at by Pope, with more papal pleasures to be found here ...