Friday, September 22, 2017

In which the pond is confused by the cawing Crowe and the parroting Ando ...


The reptiles, and so the pond, always try to stay on the light side, but sometimes the comedy is too rich for even the best reptile correspondent, and it's best to go with dry understatement ...

The lawyer for One Nation senator Malcolm Roberts has said his client's credibility may have been affected by evidence given during a lengthy cross-examination at the High Court on Thursday. (ABC here).

The mighty Roberts had credibility? Who knew?

When he asked the High Court to consider his citizenship status, Senator Roberts further confused matters by repeatedly refusing to say when he filled in the form renouncing his British citizenship and paid the associated fee.

Never mind, the comedy is rich, and speaking of confusion, the reptiles, the cawing Crowe and so the pond were mightily confused this day ...

At first it seemed clear-cut, with the cawing Crowe at the top of the opinion page making a bold, brave statement:


That seemed might clear, but suddenly later in the day, the bold statement became a question ...


Perhaps because it was completely befuddled by a statement turning into a question, the pond ended up with John Anderson ...


Sure, the lawyers getting agitated, and the meretricious Merritt attending to their homophobia was tempting, but Ando is such a twit, who could resist?

Now it's true these days there aren't many who can remember Anderson, and perhaps some even confuse him with a philosopher of the same name, but perhaps that's because Ando's  only political accomplishment came late in his career ...

In September 2004, independent federal MP Tony Windsor claimed that he had been approached by a figure associated with the National Party with the offer of a diplomatic position in exchange for retiring from his seat of New England, which he won from the National Party in 2001, at the 2004 election. In November speaking under parliamentary privilege, Windsor said that it was Anderson, and National Party Senator Sandy Macdonald, who had made the offer, through an intermediary, Tamworth businessman Greg McGuire. Anderson, McDonald and McGuire all denied the claims. (Greg Hunt it here).

Unlike the philosopher, this Anderson was and is a bear of very limited brain, and in his rustic way, was inclined to sound like a parrot or a braying donkey, which is why in this outing for the reptiles, he endlessly mimics little Johnny ...

Now for those who can remember as long ago as this morning, the pond celebrated the way that in talking of SSM the Terrorist editorialist turned the subject to cricket.

Anderson, in a bold brave bid to prove he's a much more stupid man, resorts to towns in the way of a flood ...


Fourth, is it possible that such a stupid man could manage to make the pond grateful for having a kiwi as deputy PM?

Why yes, indeedy do ...the comedy's better for a start ...




But back to Anderson, still parroting away, as koala bears of limited brain are wont to do ...


Now the pond anticipates, should SSM come to pass, that it will still be able to call John Anderson a dingbat dropkick fuckwit of the first water, and John Howard a war criminal ...while the Devine will still call the pond a secular satanist destined to spend an eternity in hellfire ...

And everybody can enjoy the way that Anderson is now a forlorn fuckwit sounding a foghorn from the misty past, while we all have a great new deputy PM ...


And so back to the cawing Crowe, with the google splash seeming to clarify matters, with the question asked and answered in the one go ...


The cawing Crowe does his very best to predict that the onion muncher will be a loser and Malware a winner ...


The pond knew before even getting into the listicle that it needed some reassurance that the country was in the best of hands ...


That's better, now it's on with the listicle ...



Yes, but we already know that all the onion muncher's got to offer is nattering negativity of a neigh-saying kind ...


... which means that if they lose the battle - no guaranteed thing - the onion muncher's troops will re-group in parliament and try to make a mess of things.

And the cawing Crowe's best advice to Malware is to do a Pontius Pilate and let parliament and comrade Bill do the hard yards as a way of avoiding the sting of the viper in their midst ...

We've been there before, a long time ago ...


It takes a peculiar kind of optimism to imagine that Malware is going anywhere but down.

If Crowe is to be believed, a "no" vote will suit Malware fine, and a "yes" vote will suit him fine, provided everybody else does the hard yards, and somehow mystically, whatever arises from the vote will work in his favour and see the viper in his midst done down ...


No wonder Turnbull says this will be parliament at its best?

Isn't this the very same man that said copper and HFC and multi-nodal nonsense would be broadband at its best?

Isn't this the very same man that said climate science was a bit of a worry and then concluded that more coal was the solution?



Ah, so that's what the cawing Crowe is wearing this week ...

Meanwhile, on another planet, Rowe celebrates the deeds of the best comedian in a generation of astute climate scientists, with more Rowe here ...




In which the pond honours an expert fund-raiser and salutes the Terror editorialist's silly points ...


First, some good news, with the pond able to vote crushingly cute Cory the fundraiser of the day, and possibly the year. 

Can his elevation back to the pond's banner be far away?

Please, celebrate his good work and his good deeds ...


At the ABC here, but what a power of oomph ... from nine hundred bucks to over $140k, and all for playing dress-ups of a kind that didn't raise an eyebrow in Tamworth in the 1950s ...

The man's a marketing genius, a legend ... what next to outrage the senses? Women gallivanting, traipsing, and flitting around in men's jeans?


Egad, sir, that wouldn't have done for good Queen Vic. That must be worth 140k to some school charity ...

And now for the bad news ...

Usually on a Friday at some point the pond would spend quality time with Sharri ... who also loves a dress-up ...


But this day stern Sharri is in crusader mode ...


Fortunately the Terror editorialist stepped up to the plate, or perhaps bestrode the turf, to deliver a peculiarly offensive editorial ...



Now the pond has spoken before to the reptiles about showing the onion muncher's drinking habit. In fact the pond's immortal montage of the onion muncher in booze mode continues to attract hits ...

Apparently he's been out and about, and far from home, and a long way from Warringah, mingling with lowlifes and bar-room brawlers, and then doing his best to make hay out of an assault which should be treated as a police matter ...

But luckily, the turf the Oz editorialist was on was particularly sacred ...


Life's a game of cricket? Is it possible to ask for a box of chocolates?

Oh the reptiles mean no harm, the stupidity is deeply embedded. They think a playful nip that takes off a finger is good fun, and in much the same way they think talking of a bent arm is awfully clever as a metaphor for bent people.

To show they mean no harm, they show the onion muncher in happier days ...


They see no malice? Doesn't the Terrorist editorialist read the stories in their close-kissing cousin, the lizard Oz?


Obfuscate and instil fear? 

Now as a prime fear-mongerer in chief, no doubt the Terror editorialist sees nothing wrong with being called a fear mongerer, but sadly things then descended into a twitter war, which is rarely a sign of a sensible debate, and much more like a twit talking of bent arms in cricket ...



Now at this point the Terror editorialist came up with a master stroke, a drive to backward silly leg, and a cutting glance at social media ...


Well perhaps some grace should be extended to some, but should all homophobes be offered grace, especially the ones who've said they find homosexuality threatening and so generated an immortal meme?


Respect where respect is due ... and be honest in your homophobia, and take the lumps as they fall ...

And here we come to the Terrorists' real dilemma. You see, while it's all very well to parade the Labor hall of shame ...


Eek... is that an Islamic?

Yep, it turns out that Miranda the Devine, the onion muncher and the rest of the Terrorist tribe - let's not forget Akker Dakker and the Bolter - are in bed with the likes of Keysar Trad, which for your average Terrorist is worse than fornicating with Satan while stroking the red cherry in the covers ...

Somehow it's dawned on the Terror editorialist that there's not much difference between your average Catholic and Islamic fundamentalist ...and so perforce the editorialist had to work out the most condescending way possible to get out of this jail ...


Like extracting teeth, really, gouging that 'yes' out with a fierce grinding noise, and with such a condescending contemptible conclusion about another person's sexuality, comparing it to that tedious boring cricket played by useless Australian losers who routinely get thrashed on the sub-continent ...

For some reason, the pond felt a sudden urge to commit some kind of act of violence ... you know, wipe grease on a cricket ball and bowl it under-arm down Holt street in Surry Hills ...

But then the usual conservative middle class suburban habits of the pond kicked in.

After all, why not leave the violence to the professionals in theatrical entertainment, the ones who know what they're doing ... with more exemplary studies in violence by the Pope here ...



Thursday, September 21, 2017

In which the bromancer celebrates the Donald saving the world and Merkel ruining it ...


The pond knows there can be fierce arguments over which scribbler for the lizard Oz is the most beguiling and entertaining reptile of them all ...

Each has their charms - who can deny Dame Slap or the Oreo? - but the pond has a very sentimental soft spot for the bromancer, who can always be relied on to deliver a form of enlightenment, or at least a form of words ...

And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of the bromancer’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of the Donald's dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night. 
The bromancer believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning —— 
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

And so to the fruit of the shrub of delusion, as the bromancer runs faster and stretches out his arms to embrace the Donald ...




Weird? Surely not, surely nothing is weird in this wonderful world of the bromancer ...



It's impossible to over-state how vastly relieved the pond was by this missive ... and the way that the Murdochians and the bromancer are bringing to heel rogue states that threaten the planet ...


If there's one thing better than the Donald, it's the bromancer channeling and explaining the Donald, and normalising him, and detailing why everything is for the best ...


Indeed, indeed, the pond is tuned, expecting many more wise words from the Donald ...


... and naturally to the bromancer translating and making sense of them in a way that you certainly won't find in that hand-wringing editorial scribbled by the NY Times ...

Oh it's a wonderful world, this world of the bromancer romancing the Donald, and the pond is wild-eyed awake, because as surely as the Donald holds out great hope for the world, Angela Merkel is going to ruin Germany and thereby ruin Europe and thereby ruin the world ...

The bromancer says it's so, and so it must be true, and so naturally the lizards of Oz put the news at the top of the digital page ...


Google loved the image of Merkel waving the flag of surrender ...


And why wouldn't she just give up and wave the flag of surrender, when the righteous, steely-eyed bromancer is hot on her trail, and ready to reduce her to nativist rubble ...


Indeed, indeed. This might be depressing news for a few stray readers. Here, have a couple of cartoons.



Ah good times, and now it seems we must remember how funny it was when the bromancer celebrated the Donald and his relentless lies and narcissist self-regard, while demolishing Merkel, Germany and Europe ...

Wow, and there was the pond thinking that anti-homosexual attitudes in London were due to the number of people who worked for Chairman Rupert living in town, or perhaps the number of Catholics, or perhaps a combination of both ... seeing as how when reading the lizard Oz down under it's often hard to pick between Daesh and the onion muncher when it comes to who's the fiercest hater of teh gays...


Truth to tell, you can take the nativist nationalist supremacist bigotry out of the Catholic, but damned if you can take away from the bromancing Catholic the singular capacity for blaming it all on the Islamics, or the bromancer's love of the farm yard troll ...



Yep, those damned Islamics and their invasion of Iraq and the flattening of Libya and the war in Afghanistan ... and when will all this damned Islamic fiddling end?

And now, having supped to the full on the wisdom of the Donald, the pond simply can't get enough of the bromancer's damnation of the sleepwalking Merkel ...


Indeed, indeed. The pond is truly baffled. Why is it that whenever the bromancer scribbles something the pond instinctively feels it's arse-end up, and even Merkel, not a naturally appealing politician, deserves some sympathy, with nativist tools and bigots possibly even more difficult to deal with than barking mad Islamic fundamentalist bigots ...

The baffling end? Merkel producing ruin, and the Donald and his wall the hope for the future, and as a result, cartoonists getting the future, and Ronnie Raygun, completely wrong ... ...


All the same, the pond decided on a cartoon-led recovery, in the hope that someone online would poke fun at Chairman Rupert and his minions ... with more cartoons at The New Yorker here ...