Getting into a fair old twist about cows, women ruining everything, and favourite bones long buried in the back yard ...

(Above: laugh? Och aye. Does Gerard Henderson do a funny Glaswegian accent? Och aye. Send him this fridge magnet now so he can practise).

Back in the day, the pond used to run a competition counting the number of mentions that Gerard "our very own prattling Polonius" Henderson made mention of Robert Gordon Menzies in a column.

These days it's the ABC conspiracy that catches all the gongs, scoring five direct mentions in It's not destroying the joint, but this double standard is a cow.

The BBC does pretty well too, with four mentions. Alas, their usual partner in crime - their Fairfax co-conspirators - get off scot free, but on the upside that leaves plenty of room for leftists (two nominations) and feminists (two nominations).

The hapless Henderson is this week reduced to brooding about the shocking reaction to Grahame Morris's use of the word "cow" in relation Leigh Sales' interview with Tony Abbott (and what an interview it was, catch up with it here, banishing thoughts of the bumbling Chris Uhlmann from memory forever).

But as a result the pond is reduced to brooding about why Henderson persists in listening to these viper pits.

Speaking of fifty shades of tedious Henderson grey, is it because he's some kind of perverted submissive masochist? Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that.

He seems to spend his entire life listening to people on platforms that will send him into a frenzy, into an outrage. What else can it be than a masochist's pleasure, a submissive's delight?

By tedious prattling column's end, Henderson is forced to conclude:

A sense of perspective might help. In the meantime, Morris should be counselled against using 19th century colloquialisms in these oh-so-sensitive-times. And Sales should desist from getting offended about not very much at all. At least it would free up the BBC for some real news from the antipodes.

Indeed. And as a result it would free up Henderson's columns for some real insights from the antipodes, instead of the standard bear-baiting about matters of trivia of no real import or moment. Or so he says.

We keed, we keed, we know no one reads Henderson for insight, they read him for the comedy, even if it's as predictable as a thin-skinned banana-skin pratfall.

Why, you might ask, doesn't he listen to commercial radio? After all, it seems Henderson doesn't think there's much wrong with Alan Jones, as he downloads on "feminist" Jane Caro downloading on "presenter" Alan Jones for declaring "women are destroying the joint."

You see Jones is just doing what comes naturally. Try this reductio ad absurdum argument on for size:

Shocking, when you think about it. But not if you think for long. For starters, leftists such as Caro are invariably telling us that Jones is a mere shock-jock. Shock-jocks attempt to shock. That's what they do.

A good fit?

Oh a shock jock is what a shock jock do, dooh dah, dooh dah all the day long, and it's shocking when you think about it that shock jocks could shock when shocking's what they do, dooh dah, dooh dah all the living day ...

And there's Alan Jones, sprung, free, liberated, given his 'get out of jail free' card, because he's the scorpion in the frog and the scorpion tale, just doing what is in his nature.

Which is handy because it gives Hendo a chance to be light-hearted and historical (in the same way that lead balloons float wild and free up into the ionosphere), quoting dictionaries of colloquialisms and "Banjo" Patterson. Oh what a wild dinkum colonial lad he is ...

But here's the rub. Sure Alan Jones might be a mere shock-jock, and Morris a magnanimous man who went on ABC Radio 702 (preferred choice for Satanists, feminists and leftists) to deliver a mea culpa for his verbal crime, when he didn't need to, because really what's all the fuss about, and in any case where's the forgiveness? Where's the common humanity? Where's the decency?

Well you can't expect it from women, especially feminists speaking on the BBC:

...from what Caro told the BBC, there will be no forgiveness any time soon - despite the fact that no one suggests Sales even faintly resembles a cow.

So Morris was so inept he called her a cow even in the knowledge that he was hopelessly wrong about Sales, who doesn't even faintly resemble a cow?

Yep, it's a subtle, nuanced defence, worthy of Polonius:

See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,

Nor any unproportioned thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.

And there's the rub because, you see, Henderson is deep in cup, and bitter and brooding about the double standards and the hypocrisy. Oh the stench, the inhumanity, the foul deeds that cry out to heaven above for vengeance:

It seems the level of measurable insult declines if it is directed at a conservative - male or female - by a continuing leftist.

Yes, continuing leftists!

These are very distinct from discontinuous intermittent or coitus interrupted leftists, and you know the very best defence of Grahame Morris is to compare him to a comedian making a living:

At this year's Mid-Winter Ball at Parliament House, Julian Morrow, one of the ''Chaser boys'' (average age late-30s) referred to mining entrepreneur Gina Rinehart as ''the elephant not in the room''. Laugh? The room, full of journalists, joined in the joke - knowing it was a personal putdown.

There, you see, if one of these - let's pause to purse our lips and sneer "Chaser boys" can do it -where's the harm in Grahame "Chaser boy" Morris joining in? Oh it might be a personal putdown, but it's just Morris being a Chaser man! Laugh? Why that cow joke had the sides splitting ... (we all know she's a cow, and now goddam it, we can't say it).

And so the hounds are loosed, and the game is on, and it's payback time, because you see Grahame Morris being merely indiscreet and Alan Jones being shocking is nothing, nothing I tells ya.

There's a conspiracy of silence, a looking away, a faint-hearted refusal to confront the hideous truth, except for brave, always remembering, always shaming Hendo:

Indeed Morrow's tone is common for the public broadcaster. The likes of Caro said nothing when Bob Ellis, in January 2011, described the NSW Liberal MP Gillian Skinner on ABC's The Drum Online as looking ''like a long-detested nagging land lady with four dead husbands and hairy shoulders''. Moreover, the ABC managing director, Mark Scott, defended the publication of the piece because it was ''particularly robust''. You can say that again.

Don't you just love the lip curl and the sneer embedded in "the likes of Caro".

Yep, it takes the likes of Henderson to tease it out, and demand that everyone maintain his own fixation with Bob Ellis, when an easier solution might simply be to ignore Ellis and hope he retires to his blog.

But Hendo isn't sated, the blood lust of hideous feminist leftist sins must be exposed and aired and chewed over like a dog with a favourite bone dug up from the garden and covered in soil.

Why not head back to 2008 and brood on that chip on the shoulder while chewing the bone?

Earlier, Jonathan Green, the then-editor of The Drum, published Marieke Hardy's description of the Liberal MP Christopher Pyne as a ''douchebag''. It was later spiked. In 2008, The Drum also ran a piece by Ellis referring to Hillary Clinton's ''towering frigidity'' and complaining (without evidence, of course) that she did not engage in a particular sex act. No word was heard from Caro at the time. In recent times, Green was promoted by the ABC and now presents the Radio National Sunday Extra program.

Oh the injustice, oh the humanity. And Grahame Morris so persecuted, when it's clear that two wrongs make a right. And that buffoon Green promoted - oh the criminality - and even worse there's some American academic on Counterpoint yammering on about free speech, and no one proposed Mr. Henderson to run the show, and become the ABC's resident chief conservative. Damn you, Mark Scott, damn you to hell.

And still the list of crimes overwhelms the shocking shock jock - that's what they do - and poor old Gra Gra Morris:

In March, Germaine Greer appeared on Q&A and urged the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, to get over her (alleged) ''big arse''. Invited back on the program last week, Greer was at it again. Responding to an approved question, Greer declared Gillard has a ''fat arse'' and advised her to ''wave that arse''. This was also not mentioned by Caro in her whinge on the BBC.

Yes indeed. And please explain, BBC, why Caro didn't mention fundamentalist Islamics, the burqa, sexism of the Catholic church, the outrageous behaviour of Ivan the Terrible, the status of women in the Third Reich, and the role of New Zealanders in always winning rugby tests, turning Australian men into girls! There are simply too many sins of omission, or perhaps emission.

And now, sssh, we must be solemn:

It is true Gillard has been subjected to some sexist comments by the likes of the Liberal senator Bill Heffernan and the former Labor leader Mark Latham. This has been properly criticised.

That's as opposed to the improper criticism of a shock jock merely doing what a shock jock does, or Gra Gra being light-hearted, like a cow flying through the air in Twister.

And now for the final indignity, the lowest of all blows:

But there were few defenders of John Howard during his time as prime minister. In his 2005 book Run, Johnny, Run, author Mungo MacCallum variously called Howard an unflushable turd, a little c---t and a shithouse rat. Right now, MacCallum's latest book is being promoted by the supposedly advertisement-free ABC.

2008? Why not 2005? Why not 2000? Why not 1995? Why not Paul Keating assaulting John Howard?

Yes, Jane Caro, why didn't you too go back to 2005 and flush out Mungo MacCallum? Why didn't you spend your short time on radio addressing the entire history of personal abuse, and the personal role and responsibility of feminists and leftists everywhere for the existence of said abuse?

Shame, Jane Caro, shame. Or wait, perhaps it's all the fault of the intertubes:

...in spite of all the confected outrage, bad language has probably not proliferated. It's just that what was once said in the pub now features increasingly in sections of the mainstream media and overwhelmingly online.

Yes, and in a referential way, the pond is full of remorse for dubbing Henderson a prattling Polonius.

Sure there's a lot of confected outrage out there, and overwhelmingly online, which is where you can find Gerard Henderson abusing the abusers of abusers for not being abusive enough about other abusers and being selective about abusers to abuse, as opposed to Henderson, who freely abuses continuing leftists ... for simply continuing ...

Or some such thing. The real point is seems to be that if Bob Ellis can be a dickhead and a tosser, why so can Grahame Morris, Alan Jones and Gerard Henderson.

While providing way too much information:

When walking my dog Nancy early Sunday evening, I turned on to BBC Radio's World Today Weekend program. Feminist Jane Caro was banging on from Sydney about just how sexist Aussie blokes really are.

He had to listen to that bitch Caro banging on in a bitchy way, while taking his bitch for a walk? On the bloody Beeb, home of bitches?

Oh it's too much to bear, the inhumanity, the cruelty. Oh heartless BBC, what a taxpayer ruin and waste you are, a perfectly good walk with a nice dog shattered ...

And now readers are invited to contemplate the list of fallacies deployed by Henderson in relation to argument at the wiki here.

See how many fallacious arguments were led by Henderson as he dragged in red herrings, ancient history and meaningless comparisons, while attempting to prove there's no harm in calling a woman a cow, because, well, he likes some times to think of them as cows ...

The pond got up to ten, and the good news is that if you do the exercise, it will help prepare you nicely for the HSC.

(Below: speaking of dogs).