In which, as alarums and panic spreads amongst the reptiles, the pond cuts directly to the prattling Polonius chase ...

The Terror in terror, the Fairfaxians rampant, oh deary me, what's a reptile to do?

Oh what a stern and unhappy woman she is, not a hint of a smile, a frowning harridan ... but will it be enough?

Can the reptiles yet achieve what they managed for SSM? Or will Black Knight syndrome prevail yet again?

Who knows, who can tell, who can say? Certainly not the reptiles ...

The reptiles are in a state of uproar and agitation this day, confused and bickering amongst themselves ...

Oh deary, deary, so many voices, some shouting about dinosaurs, some confessing to being donkeys - as if no one knew - so what's a blogger to do ...

There can be only one answer, no dilly dallying, cut right to the heart of it, channel Pat Benatar, sing 'hit me with your best shot, why don't you hit me with your best shot, fire away ...'

Yes, bring on prattling Polonius, the star of the centrefold, that'll lay 'em in the aisles, and put an end to the rancour and all debating points ... what a star he is ...

Australia has Abbott to thank?

Of course it does. He did it for all of us, but especially for his sister ... please, allow Polonius to explain in an epic prattle ...

Indeed, indeed, the pond can only thank the onion muncher for the vital role that he played ...

And what's more, unlike that damned Malware and those devious Labor poseurs, all trying to claim the glory and the credit, he did it and then he played a vital role in the campaign, one worth celebrating ...

Let's ignore the idle chat that it was a last cynical throw of the dice, a way of avoiding responsibility, a way of hoping against hope that perhaps fundamentalist Catholicism and homophobia might yet triumph, and at some considerable expense, and celebrate the onion muncher's astonishing achievements ...

And who better to do the panegyric, the eulogy, a fulsome bout of praise that might only offend some because of using this meaning for 'fulsome' ...

Let this Pliny of our times remind us that the Trajan onion muncher did it all with a remarkable generosity of spirit and hope ...

Indeed, indeed, there's nothing like love, love of others and love of self, and love spreading out into the world in a gracious and seemly way ...

Remember, he did it all for his sister, or perhaps the harmony of the spheres, and what a positive role he played ...

"It was to be expected that the praise contained in the speech would be excessive; the intellectual point of the exercise (and very likely an important criterion in judging it) was to see how excessive the praise could be made while remaining within boundaries of decorum and restraint, how much high praise could be made to seem the grudging testimony of simple honesty"

Come on reptiles, liven up Polonius's prattle with another lively illustration ...

Indeed, indeed, it's got absolutely nothing to do with your average Anglo Christian. It was all the fault of the wogs with their funny weird bunch of creeds and faiths ...

Damn you fashionable inner-city intelligentsia, with your humble institute lurking in the heart of Sydney's CBD, it wasn't your average fundamentalist Catholic, which is why the onion muncher bunged it on ... to please his sister.

How was he to know that the wogs and all those bloody Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims would turn out so negative, while your average fundamentalist Catholic homophobe would turn out to be tremendously positive, and doing their best for their gay sisters and brothers?

Clearly we need a little more re-education ...

Yes, we all have the onion muncher and prattling Polonius to thank, and don't you forget it, and now can we just let the onion muncher get back to one of his traditional pastimes ...